Since last summer, I've been shaping and stepping into my Deep Rest and Deep Belonging project. Because this is ongoing, I've been tempted in conversations this week on retreat to choose something else for my overarching intention of 2014. But I have so much more to learn about rest and belonging that I am going to stick with it. However, in circle this morning, I came to some clarity about an aspect of this project that is really helpful and that I am going to adopt for my specific intention and mantra: Loving boundaries and welcoming doorways.
Long before I was an active alcoholic, I was an all or nothing person. I cherished clear rules and simple understandings. Ambivalence, inconsistency, on again/off again emotional relationships, like the one with my mother, were so painful, so wounding, that I would slam a door shut or jump in with both feet: no moderation, no careful approach, no compromise. Since I added conflict phobia to that mix, I was set up for a lot of difficult relationships.
Now I'm trying to do things differently, albeit slowly. I want to say how I feel even when it's tough (loving boundaries); I want to inch my way towards more vulnerability and intimacy with people instead of hiding behind smart and independent (welcoming doorways).
I think this is going to be a good metaphor for the healing I want to do in this coming year.