Monday, January 27, 2014

Day 322 Step away from the rut

My good friend Susan and I were talking this past weekend about where we are stuck. Old stories, old beliefs. The energy it takes to move out of the unpleasant but comfortable and risk something new. I've done so much personal work that sometimes I get the feeling I should have made much more progress than I already have. I should have the sugar addiction licked (no pun intended ) by this point. Why do I have to talk about things for such a long time and so repeatedly before I'm willing?

Where I'm stuck:

  • Convincing myself daily of the need to work more and more even though I say that writing and painting are my priorities. 
  • Overeating consistently when I say I want to lose some more weight and feel lighter and more free in my body
  • Eating sugar when I say I want to be abstinent
  • Letting my schedule and the needs of others control me rather than me being in charge of my calendar. 
I've been going around these four loops for a long time. And they're all connected. Writing and painting make me happy; they engage me in a way that I don't think about food when I'm involved in them. The editing work I do, which pays well, doesn't engage me in that way. I think about food a lot. I reward myself with food a lot when I'm doing it. Some of that food is sugar. Often the work I schedule is at someone else's convenience, not mine. A necessity of doing business you say? Sometimes maybe. All the time, not so much.

What I see underlying all this is my fear of being happy. What an interesting place to be stuck!

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