Somehow, someway, in late January, I lost contact with my body. I went on living in it but I didn't feel it. I got numb physically through sugar and overeating and under-exercising and lost touch with it. I think we overeaters have to do that in order to keep eating the way we do. If we were conscious of the weight going on, we might have to face what was happening to us physically as we tried to protect ourselves emotionally.
I've been making choices for the last couple of months that make me more vulnerable and I've been eating as a safeguard. I didn't recognize it as such but my spiritual director did. "Not surprising that you would return to an old faithful friend when things got new and different," she said when I told her what was happening. It might have felt exciting to my mind to take these chances but it was scary to my sense of self and so I went back to the tried and true.
Now I'm regaining consciousness and feeling the weight I've put back on and the slowness of my workouts. I'm not happy with the weeks of relapse but I'm ready to step back into consciousness and see if I can keep it going.