Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Still in the sugar loop

There isn't any easy philosophical way to confess this. I'm deeply caught in the sugar loop again, abstaining for a few days, then moving from zero to f--k it in a nanosecond and eating whatever I want, which is mostly a lot of sweets, for as long as I feel like it.

The one big change this time is that I'm not in any denial. I'm not pretending this is temporary (I can't know that), I'm not feeling ashamed (this is how my addiction plays out). Once I start in again, it is very hard to stop. I wish it weren't. I wish it were easy to eat four cupcakes and say, "oh well, tomorrow will be a sugar-free day." But that's the denial talking, because chances are it won't be a sugar-free day until I'm sick and tired of feeling this way.

The pleasure I get from sugar is still reliable. I wish it weren't. I wish it made me really sick so I didn't have to rely on logic and discipline and waiting for inspiration to try to get beyond it.

The only good news is that I'm not discouraged by this. It is what is and it doesn't have to be what will be. Praying for the willingness to be willing to start over again.

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