Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Still bargaining, still negotiating...still angry?

When I saw my therapist/spiritual director last week, I talked to her about Nellie's death and my grief. How I had so wanted to be in denial about it, had been angry, had wanted to bargain, and negotated, how I moved into depression and then into acceptance. And then as we almost always do, we started talking about my food stuff and I talked about how I had fallen away from the Plan little by little and how I couldn't seem to find the resolve to go back to it.

And she mentioned again those five stages of grief and suggested that I had a ways to go around my food addiction. We acknowledged together that I have passed through denial and come out the other side of angry as well. I actually stayed there a fairly long time. Why me? Why this too? Wasn't one life-threatening addiction (alcoholism) enough? I still occasionally feel this.

But according to Anna, I'me now in the bargaining/negotiating stage: if only I can find the right food plan, I'll be okay. I won't have food addicion anymore. It took our conversation for me to realize that the plan, any plan, will work for weight loss if you stick to it. And some plans will improve our health. But they don't cure food addiction. Nothing cures addiction. There is only remission. This makes me want to weep.

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