Sunday, November 15, 2015

Saying goodbye to the second food addiction stepchild: The anesthetic

Giving up the Party in My Mouth is hard enough. But in order to fully embrace recovery from food addiction, I have to give up what is perhaps most important about my relationship with overeating sweets and carbs and fat carbs and salty carbs and sweet fat: the numbing experience.

Sugar and fat have been my remedy for anxiety, boredom, restlessness, grief, anger, tedium, disengagement, abandonment, fear--you name it--for over 60 years. When I got sober and gave up the anesthetic of alcohol, I went right back to sugar and fat. They weren't quite as effective as alcohol but it was a useful substitution. And for the last 25 years, with some pauses for dieting, I've had a pharmacy for numbing my feelings in my pantry and freezer that was reliable and foolproof.

Now I've stepped into a program that asks me to give up sugar/any sweeteners and all kinds of flour; this just about cuts out everything that was in that pharmacy. So in embracing this program, I have to embrace being fully awake. Of course, that's the point of life: living it, experiencing it, showing up. And I've learned to do a lot of that since I got sober from alcohol. But now being sober from food is taking it to a whole other level. More grief and some real fear.    

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